Hi my name is Katy, a year ago I decided to have a termination, purely because of my reaction to how I found out I was pregnant. I thought I never wanted a child or children, purely on my upbringing on not having a dad in my life as a child, and having that constant worry that I would be bringing up a child on my own with no help, and to be completely honest I know I didn't want or need that.  

Finding out I was pregnant back in July, I cried and was so unhappy, I am in a very stable relationship with my fiance, we've been together for 3 years, so you’d be thinking that because we have been together for a good amount of time the next thing would be marriage and then children, but finding out I was pregnant was just horrifying. I knew straight away I didn’t want to keep the pregnancy going, so I rang the doctors thinking it would be an easy procedure and they would give me some advice before going ahead with it. I was completely wrong. I had to wait around 2 weeks before seeing someone and it wasn’t a pleasant thing to be going through, it was cold, I had to have a scan to make sure there wasn’t anything wrong with the baby. I was on my own, my partner was sitting in the waiting room on his own, just constantly worrying about me. It took 1 tablet for the abortion to start happening, I had no help, I had no time to talk it through, to make sure I was making the right decision. I guess because my heart was so stuck on having the abortion I didn’t ask the questions.

Once the termination was done and I knew I wasn’t pregnant I sank my emotions, didn’t talk about the pregnancy, didn’t voice how I was really feeling. I felt like a complete evil person for doing what I had done. The place that did the termination offered no after care, only if I was still pregnant I had to contact them. I thought I could just carry on with everyday life. Boy was I wrong.  

I started to find it really hard to go out, constantly seeing people with babies or baby clothes, thinking that could have been me.  The anxiety and depression after having the termination was awful, but I hid it until I started to have suicidal thoughts and I said to people I need help, because if I didn’t get help I didnt know if I was going to act on these awful thoughts.  

My mum found a charity called ‘The Well Pregnancy Choices Centre’ we reached out to, and I started the programme. I was very nervous to start off with because I was opening up which is something I have always struggled with, and especially talking about the termination, which I had hidden from so many people. After my first session, I could tell that it was going to save me, talking about what I had done and been through. Being asked all the tough questions, but being able to answer them without being judged made me feel extremely comfortable, with doing the programme and the decision I had made.  

 

Session after session I could feel myself getting better, talking about my head, heart and circumstances while deciding on the termination. Realising that it was okay to be grieving something I had decided to do, I was allowed to feel all the emotions I felt.  

A session that really made me realise and think about the termination was the anger session, I was angry at myself for what I had done but I was also extremely angry that there was no advice given to me before deciding on the termination, I wish there was more help for women and girls who are deciding on having an abortion if they so wish to have the support. Realising that I was quite an angry person about the situation because of the anger session, and realising the emotions that I had were okay to have, for not receiving any help or advice from the doctor that gave me those tablets. I have learnt to let go of all these emotions about the termination now because of The Bowl programme however if my mum didn’t find this incredible charity I honestly don’t think I’d be here because of all the negative emotions I had in my head. Helen and Carole have quite literally changed my life, if it wasn’t for them listening to me talking for an hour a week, being truly emotional and not being judged for the termination, and having new techniques to help me when I feel low. I cannot change the past, but because of this programme I can change my mindset on how I feel about the termination, because it was the right decision for me and my partner.  

 

Everyone needs a Helen in their life before deciding on a termination. She's extremely kind, caring, doesn’t judge you for any reasoning and just an extremely good person.